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One step forward, three steps back.

This one is for all the friends who have been there from the beginning and sticked through it all. I don't think I would have been able to fight the battles alone. 
Thank you for all the love shared. I love you guys more than what you can imagine. I owe you this one. 

~

 When I was young, I was largely an introvert. I did not like making friends, going to birthday parties of people and hanging out with them. I spend most of my time alone, by myself, observing people and their actions.

That’s when covid hit us. It was a massive breakthrough for me. I met someone, who changed my view entirely toward life.

I had a friend then, a female (who we can not name due to personal reasons), who introduced me to this guy. He was himself an introvert. We didn’t click in the start. I still remember the first meeting very clearly, it was awkward, but full of unexpected destinies. Slowly, due to some unforeseen tragedies that hit him, he was left all alone.

One day in 2021 or 2022, it was a blissful day. Everything in my life was as perfect as I wanted it to be, but I guess God did not want that. I, to this date, do not know what clicked in me, or maybe it was God himself in me that day, I called up the guy, and started speaking. He was shattered. I just had some instinct to help him. I wanted him to talk to me. I wanted him to feel so much better. So, I called him up, and started speaking to him, gradually over the next few months, I became really, really good friends with him. You know Jai & Aditi? It was that for me. I still don’t know what happened to me around him. I wanted to tell him everything, share everything, know everything about him. I wanted to be around him all the time. It was my favorite place. Not because of anything else, only because I was grateful to God each day to give me someone I could finally call a friend, I could finally call my own. People around me thought I was a stupid person, or maybe I was, they hated me, but I found this perfect then. A new definition of perfect.

But as we say, good times don’t last long. I had to get down my paradise very soon. The calling had started coming slowly. Under the next year, suddenly,
I was all gone from him.
Communication closed,
Replies stopped reaching,
Calls were now never picked up.
That’s when I knew that I was ghosted, shamelessly.

I was still finding clues to know that what I knew was wrong. I kept asking him whenever he saw me. All he told me was he has zero time. I was angered, flabbergasted, and I was also extremely heartbroken, quite literally. All I thought was, Why me? Why always me?
I started doubting myself, I stopped loving myself. I thought everything is over. I thought I have no life left anymore. 
That was exactly when a new realization hit me.
I was in love. A crazy one.

I spent a large chunk of my life in this. I was wasted.

But then, somehow, I brought myself up again. In the next one and a half year, I made playlists to distract myself, that’s when music became my best friend, my oxygen. I focused on my commitments, I engrossed myself in everything which made me stay away from that hell of a man. And achieved the greatest heights, which I never thought I would.

By last year, after being completely shattered and destructed, I was completely back in shape, perfect life, perfect friends, perfect people around, and I was grateful.

One fine day, I get a message on my mobile phone. It said Hi.

I knew who it was. Deep in my heart, and I was right.
It was him.

I have a very bad habit. I forgive the people I love deeply. And I let them fuck me up each time.

He kept saying sorry, I thought he changed, and accepted it. I was hit on the back once again exactly one year later, but now I know how to gather myself up and not let it affect me.

Now, I knew how to romanticize life all over again. I am still grateful, for all the learnings I learnt, I think I wouldn’t have been the person I am today if he wasn’t there. I am thankful for all the friendship and experiences shared

Once again today, I don’t know the perfect ending to my blog. All I would like to say is, keep loving yourself and others, keep finding love, keep loving love. Because it’s beautiful, and the best thing ever known to humanity. I stopped loving hm, but love really never got out of me. I am still very much the delusional girl who is looking for a Shah Rukh Khan for herself.

That was my story. The one that makes me what I am today. Go find yours, and go find love. In any form, because loving someone with all your heart is a gift that you receive from God himself.

 

Until next time,
Aavriti Om

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